About thinking

I think.
A lot.
I really shouldn't think so much because I always focus on the negative, I always think about the bad things, I always see the black in every shade of grey.
So I try not to think, I try really hard not to picture the worst case scenario, I try to distract myself thinking about everything else.
But I don't always succeed, and sometimes I end up hurting myself thinking the absolute worst, I think about every single thing I've ever done wrong, every single person I have ever hurt, and how I'm a terrible person that doesn't deserve anything, ever.
I'm also really good at feeling guilty (which is kind of a problem if you are ever mean to anyone) because I keep thinking "I could have done something" "I could have handled that better" "I should be a better person"
The truth is at the end of the day I'm all I have, me, with faults, mistakes, failures, troubles, flaws and damaged.
And somehow I've managed to become a better person than I once was, somehow I've learnt, somehow despite my flaws, mistakes and damages I have done a few good things, and maybe one day evil me won't win, maybe one day I'll have enough confidence in myself to not let anything hurt me, maybe one day I won't picture the worst case scenario just because I'll trust.
Maybe one day if you're lucky I'll trust you.
But tonight I'll settle for trust.