About time to have some honesty.

I can't remember the last month that went by without thinking of you.
The truth is I can't remember the last day in which I didn't remember you or the last prayer I said that didn't include you.
I'm not as delusional as I sound.
I am aware that right now there is a big chance you are the object of my affection (movie title) solely because I don't have you.
Also I was never the right girl for you and a few years have not changed and will not change that fact.
But somehow my heart races when I see you.
Anyway I did try. I did! I held his hand and hugged him, I even danced with him, and I felt nothing, my heart did not race,  the beat did not get any louder, nothing changed.
But he made me realize how much the people I care about and care about me were concerned about me not having a boyfriend.
Everyone rooted for him, I rooted for him, I gave him way more opportunities than he earned because every time I was going to quit someone told me to give him a second chance, so I did, I accepted presents and held hands, I played nice and smiled, I answered questions and took his calls, I was not rude even though he would call me before going to bed and not hang up despite me saying I was going to sleep, I did not yell at him even when he got honestly annoying, I did try. You can not blame me for not trying because I did, I did until I felt uncomfortable, until my insticts started feeling funny, I did try and I know because I am still trying.
Because everyone is worried about me not having a boyfriend, about me being the same antisocial girl I was in high school, about me not succeding, everyone is worried about me.
But I refuse to settle. I don't want a fairytale, I don't want a prince charming but I refuse to have a grey life when there are so many colors to choose from, when I could have a blue, green, purple, orange or white life with a prince to match.
So you see, I'm not worried about me, because despite how my life may look from the outside, I am enjoying it.
And the only time I feel bad, guilty or ashamed is when I try to fit into your little, perfectly defined box that still can't hold me, but I'm not in high school anymore, you can't make me feel miserable, guilty or ashamed for being me. So screw you people and your idea of what I need to be happy.
Worst case scenario, I'll be the crazy cat lady with a gigantic library.
And guess what? I will enjoy it and be happy.