About lies

I lied

off course I did, it's the only thing I know how to do

I wish I could say this time it's different, that it's a first....

It's not. I've been in exactly this position more times than I want to admit

I' ve been in this same position over and over again

Because I'm not brave enough. Because I know that no matter what I say or do, everything is going to be the same, because that's my biggest fear, trying and... technically it wouldn't be failing but who cares?

At the end of the day this is me, this stupid, silly, little girl who won't utter a word because she's afraid of what you might say or think.

So I lie, I lie and say that it's not true, that the tears are because of my hormones, that the fact that a certain word makes me cry is because I'm hormonal, that the reason I'm not spending time in front of a mirror is because I'm not going out, that I've been watching way too much TV only because I'm on vacaction, that I just had to organize my bedroom and wash the dishes.

Lies. They are all lies, I don't want to think, I don't want to look myself in the eyes and admit it, I refuse to give my mind a second to think.

Because what is the point?

It doesn't matter what I say or write because you don't care, or I don't care? Because this is way too fucked up, because you'll understand someone else's name but most of all because it's too late.

But I'll believe that stupid saying that goes something like, better late than never, so I'll say it...

... I ... I ...

I'll be brave enough one day, I'll have the courage it takes and I'll tell you to your face, no e-mail, no blog, no msn, no skype, no nothing, to your face.

Then I'll hit you so very hard because this is so not fair.